Wednesday, January 20, 2016


 I forgot what day it was, but I ran into my cousin that I hadn't seen in close to 10 years while I was at work. We were talking about how things were going and how life has been in the years since we seen eachother. She was telling me about her dad and that he wasn't doing very well and that I should stop by and see him. Cut to like a month or so later. I heard from my cousin her dad had passed. I texted her on Sunday to give her my condolences. Monday she texted me and said when the funeral was going to be. So I asked my boss of it was okay to at least pop my head in real quick and let them see me. He said it was okay. Yesterday on my way to work I stopped by the funeral home. This is a place I had been to numerous times before. The last time I was at a funeral it was for Melissa's grandpa who I now called grandpa myself since I didn't have any grandpas left of my own. I was a pall bearer for him and it was a very big honor. That day was very tough and I don't know how Melissa and I made it through. So back to yesterday, I hadn't seen these people in years. I had seen one cousin during that summer cause she was hanging out with my aunt, but the other one it had been years. Everyone grows and matures and it was weird cause they did look older, but still the same. I know I look way different, but similar in some ways. It was so awkward at times and emotions were rushing over me. It brought up old bad memories of when I had to do that for my mom and all the family drama that came with it. I tried to give my cousins comfort in anyway I could. This was their last parent. I feel like my dad has been dead for years, but unfortunately he's still alive, but for them this was it. I saw them fill out all the paperwork and it sounds like my sister had done all that cause I don't remember doing any of that. They have a long road ahead of them for the executor of the estate and all that. I walked into the viewing room, but I couldn't get very close to the casket. We purposely chose a closed casket so we didn't have to see my mom like that. One of the cousins said I remember how you were during your moms funeral and now it makes sense why you were acting the way you were. I said yeah because it was such a messed up day and we didn't want to be there and people were trying to tell us what to do. And at the arrangement meeting the people were making familial funeral jokes about getting a discount next time. That was highly inappropriate and it pissed me off so bad. Then a little while later we were talking to my aunt about something and she brought up being owed for the funeral. It's like wow that's amazing. Needless to say the whole situation was all sorts of fucked up. I don't ever think about this stuff and when it thrown in my face it's hard for me to deal with it. A lot of people would say that's the wrong way of going about it, but I'm a dweller and if I dwell too long it starts getting bad. This post was basically a ramble post, but somewhat therapeutic so that's it. 

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