Thursday 9-8-11

So it's Thursday, I have tomorrow to figure out if anything what to do. I felt better about it today then I did yesterday, so that's good. I am hoping Friday will feel better than today. It's not like I haven't been to a ceremony and felt like I shouldn't be there. Like in my post: Love Blossom's one of "them" was there and I had to deal with her and act like nothing mattered. So I'm thinking I can try and do that again. Well I guess I have to. After this ceremony who knows maybe I will never see "them" again? Or if I do, I will have the strength to stand my ground if they start something?  I hate not knowing, if somehow I knew that this, this, and this was going to happen I could plan around it. I guess that's why they call it life, it's full of uncertainty. I hate the sayings like: "Life doesn't put hings in front of you that you can't handle" Really!? So will I have a partner that I can tag in during these times? Obviously not, so it's going to be me dealing with it. I can't learn from my past, if I've never done, or gone through something like this before. This is seriously beating me up inside. I haven't felt this much stress in awhile.I just want this to be done and over, then I could not have this pushing down on me.

I wonder sometimes, if "they" ever think about all this stuff? Do they sit there and stress out because they have to see me? Deep down, I actually kinda wish, just for a little bit they could be in my shoes, and see how it feels to be me. I wonder if they would have a panic attack, or a migraine, because of stress? Well probably not, they are narcissistic, self centered, assholes that couldn't give a shit about anyone but themselves! I feel that if I keep writing about them it gives them strength, and that's the furthest thing I would want to happen. So I am going to try my damn hardest to not think, or write about them. I know it's going to be hard, because this is just a shitty time in my life, and I tend to dwell and not let shit go. I do know that it is kinda getting easier, not very fast, but slowly, for me to push past the thoughts, and dwelling on them.

One hour, one day, one week, one month at a time.