FaLL!

So this begins one of my favorite months, October! I love Halloween, and I love Fall. I really actually don't love said Fall, itself, but I love seeing the leaves change colors. Why? They are Halloween colors. I love, love, love Halloween. If you didn't notice I love Halloween. It's where you can have fun, be scared, and be a kid again. We will start our yearly tradition tomorrow, of decorating our house for Halloween. Melissa, and I, both love doing this. It's getting colder so we stay inside more, making our house nice and cozy. This is the time of year that I get to scare the shit out of little children, and get away with legally. Last year I had the best door cover decoration. It was Michael Myers, from the movies Halloween. (coincidence? I think not) It was vibration activated, meaning when you would knock on the door, or push the doorbell, it would start playing the theme song to Halloween the movie. His eyes were red, and they would blink on and off. And there was a scary sounding heavy breathing type noise. This thing was a marvel! I had one kid so damn scared that he wouldn't even step off of the sidewalk to come and knock on my door! Great joy is found in scaring little kids, hey sorry I'm being honest. I had a kid in a ninja outfit come up to the door. He didn't say trick or treat, and just stood there. I was like what's up man? He said, "Nothin" I said, "Do you want a candy bar?" He said, (just like this, I kid you not) Koo, mane" I handed him a candy bar, and he pimped  walked away. Ha ha, that was great, and funny as hell. I don't know what I will be able to do this year to scare the little bastards kids, but I know it will be great fun.

This is what I saw, on my way driving to work. This is what made me remember its Fall. Enjoy the pics. Enjoy the Fall, and scaring them kids. I know I will. Ha ha.

Cellphone pic Thursady 9-29-11

My Wrecked Impala.

So in my blog Impala rama, I told you about my love for Impala's. I also told you about how I was only able to own mine for a couple of months. Well below is the pictures, of the aftermath of the wreck I was involved in. I was driving my car down State St. I stopped at a red light, and all of a sudden wham! I try to step on my breaks, my car tires squeal, and I slam into the car in front of me. I watch as the car in front of me starts driving towards a parking lot, I follow them, and the car that hit me, follows me. This 16 year old bitch of a girl driver, gets out and says, "Why did you hit my car like that!" I said, "You hit me, my car was stopped, and how would I reverse in to you!" The cops show up and they start taking our statements. The lady in front of me said I was pushed into her, and she heard my tires squeal to try and stop. She also said that it was not my fault, and the girl driver hit both of us. I over heard the bitch that hit us say, "I only took my eyes off of the road for two minutes!" She actually said two minutes! She tried telling the cop that I had hit her, and he looked dead in her eyes and said, "That is absolutely not possible" Two guys were there, and they said the same thing me and the older lady had said all along, that this 16 year old was the blame. When it came my turn to talk to the cops, it actually turned out I was pulled over by this cop a week ago for my loud car stereo. That was extremely awkward, but good at the same time, because he knew what my Impala had looked like before this wreck. The officer actually said to me, "Man, I am very sorry about your car" I was able to drive my car in it's wrecked state home. I couldn't afford paying for a tow truck. When I started my car, my stereo was extremely loud, and the cop shot this look at me like, what the fuck are you doing!?


So later I found out when I was going through this paperwork, this little girl was doing 55 miles per hour! On a 25 miles per hour road! In stop and go traffic. She later admitted it was her fault, and she wasn't paying attention. I felt really bad for the lady I hit because her gas tank filler tube busted when i hit her so gas was leaking out of her car and it was dead. She had 2 little toddlers with her, and was on her way to drop them off at daycare, to go to work. My car was hit so hard that my rusted shut ashtray, was actually laying in the back seat. I tried everything I could think of to get that ashtray loose, and I couldn't. I miss my car so much. This was my dream come true, then it was robbed, and raped right in front of me. My car was lower than stock, but not by much. The frame on these cars is pure steel, in the shape of an "X". They are extremely strong. The body parts were steel also. My doors were crumpled in on each other, after this wreck. My frame was bent down, because it was hit so hard.

My heart aches, for this car. I will hopefully have another chance in my life, to fulfill this dream.

The trunk lid was pushed 10 inches! inside the trunk itself!

My Impala in it's heyday.




Impala rama.

We went to a car show on Sunday. There was like at least 350 cars there. We saw this 1959 Impala, it was absolutely beautiful. I have always loved Impala's. I owned my dream car, a 1964 Impala, 2 door, hardtop, Super Sport, 327 engine with a 2 speed power glide transmission, that was matching numbers. You can see my Impala at the bottom of the page. I never took enough pictures of it, because I was only able to own it for a couple of months. I still dream about that car, and what it meant to me. I wish I still had it, and eventually I hope, and pray to own another one. There was many gorgeous cars there, but the Impala's stole my heart, and attention. Please enjoy these pictures. Pictures by my wife Melissa.

1959 Impala.

1962 Impala.

1963 Impala.

My 1964 Impala.

Cellphone pic Thursday. 9-22-11

August 7th, 2007 / 8-7-07

I was cleaning out my work back pack, and I found a journal of sorts. So I started reading it, and what I wrote back then, holy shit. It was just weird to read what I had wrote. This is that journal entry.

Today started out ok, we had to wake up early at 10 am to help the tree people. 10:30 is when we started hearing the chainsaw going, so we knew progress was being made. Pretty soon we heard the big ass thump of the first half of the tree hit the ground. It was laid out on the street touching the other sidewalk. I was worried about if there was the need for a fire truck, having to go to an emergency. Luckily it never happened, I was truly relieved. I took some pictures of the stump, it was the most strangest thing I had seen in a long time. Before I left for work, they had all the tree gone, down to the stump. The rhododendrons gone, the trees near the gutters topped. It was very light and eerie at the same time. Funny part while the tree is in the street, the police had to go around the tree. MLT trucks drove around the house four different times, we thought we were going to get a ticket, or a fine, we didn't . Got to work, it was a pretty normal day, then about 5:30 or so, I got a call from Melissa, saying I had to promise on our relationship that I wouldn't say anything , to anyone. I said, "OK". Melissa, said "E ("E" is in reference to "them") went to the poker party , and smoked weed with C" I was devastated, and pissed off to the highest level. I could not believe what I heard, that he actually did that. We are 27 years old, we are not in high school. He has three kids, and a wife. He acts like "oh I'm so cool" and K ("K" is in reference to "them") probably does it too. I know what it feels like to be older, and your prime is gone, but I'm fed up. I hate all the drinking they do, I tolerate it, but I'm not happy about it, but I will not tolerate this. My night at work was ruined by this news.

The drive home on 520 sucked. The big sign wasn't lit, but they had the H.O.V. lane closed. It's so dark on there, and it's worse when everyone is packed together. I got to McDonald's, called Melissa, and asked her for the order. I started ordering, forgot the dollar burger. I got home, I was looking around at the house, and it actually looked good. They cleaned up the majority of the stuff, some of it was still in the yard but oh well. The tree near the driveway is finally away from the wires. Melissa, had raked the leaves in front of the bedrooms, it looks very good. She does very good work, I'm overall pleased at everything.

That was the end of the entry, holy shit. I had a lot of stuff going on and, thrown my way. This entry was from four years ago! I had this much hatred for "them" then, and wow wouldn't you know, now is no different. What if I would have ended stuff back then?

Constant reminders.

I keep having constant reminders of how things used to be. I see, and hear people speak of up coming events, that are hosted by them. Back then, we would be the first people told about these events, now we hear the information trickle down from other people. It has been easier for me lately to not dwell, and think constantly of the past. But it's like I really know now that they, in fact could care less about us. That's fine, I guess at least I know, and don't have to wonder. I should have blocked, and deleted more people, because those people that I didn't, now are the constant reminders. I still like those people, but not as much as I did before. I thought it would have been awkward if I would have deleted them, now it's more awkward. We don't talk, or message each other, so what's the difference.  If I would have deleted them, I wouldn't  have to hear the insistent bullshit about them, from these people. I only feel like I have failed a handful of times in my life, the bad thing is the last couple of fails that I have had, is because of them. It's like a constant buzzing in my head, that refuses to go away. All I hear about is, oh they are doing this, oh they are doing that. Really!? Why do I care? Why would you think I want to know, unless I specifically ask you.

I'm not good at giving advice anymore. I am not good at listening anymore. I try, and try to see things from a different point of view, but I can't see past my own problems, my own reality. I know people are going through, or have been through what I am going through. I get it, I really do. I don't care anymore what any body else has gone through, I never got the type of support that I have given people. It's hard to see and be around the common friends we have. I don't know if they are telling whole, or half truths to me. I would hope that they told me the truth, but I know people take it upon themselves, to "protect" you. Well I don't need protecting, I need to hear what is really being said about me. I know shit's been said, but no one has the balls to tell me. So they are pussy's for still being there friends and not standing up for themselves. And you decide to take the high road, and not tell me everything that has been said. Makes perfect impractical sense to me. so I remove myself from being hurt, and treated like shit from fake "friends", and now I have friends that can't see or won't see what's really going on. Wow, this is the story to a bad movie.

Welcome to my life, I hope yours is better than mine. I hope you don't have the same type of shit, that I do in your life. There is no quote I can type to make this better.

9-10-11 The day of dread.

So the day I had been dreading for so long was upon me. I tried going into without any preconceived notions of what might happen. I had spent the last few days, ranting, and raving about "them" and what I thought might of happened. We got to the place around 10:30 am ish? Melissa, had been texting the bride the night before, and the day of, and nothing was coming across as unusual. We see the bride, and were just chatting, I asked were the groom was, and the bride said he was down at the campsite. I asked if that was were we would be changing, and she said yes. I get in my car and start driving down to the campsite, all of a sudden I hear, "It's Ben!" I look over to my left, and see "them" Really!? Are you fucking kidding me!? We were told the night, and days before they would be down there Saturday night only. Obviously it was a lie. I just kept driving to the campsite. I start shaking because I am so beyond pissed off, I try and keep my composure when I start talking to the groom. I have to meet, and greet all these people, and I don't want to seem like and asshole or whatever. The groom, and I, drive back to the original meeting place, and I just walk up to Melissa, and tell her that "they" are here. She has a look of complete pissed off on her face also. She actually confronted the bride about it, and the bride could see just how pissed off we were. All we would have asked for was a heads up about it, nothing major just like hey they stayed last night and they're here now. These people piss me off, when it comes to them. Why can't you just grab your balls, and say something?

We were basically like a half a block away from "them", so we just kept busy with all the stuff we needed to do. We had some friends there and they sat with us and we just talked, and had a good time. So it was time for the grooms men to get dressed for pictures. I had to wear flip flops, I hate flip flops. They hurt my feet very much. We had to walk through a forest, to take these pictures. I am so glad that's over with. It was time for the girls pictures. I drove a couple of them down to the beach. One of my friends that was there jumped in my car, and he flat out asked me, "So what's going on with you guy's?" I just started saying, enough is enough, if they can't understand that I can't take anymore of their shit, then there's nothing I can do to keep putting up with them. It's done, it's over. He said well maybe give a few years. I said what do you think I have been doing? I can't keep sweeping this shit under the rug, the rug has exploded with this shit! I tried talking to them and they don't care, so why should I? He said he saw my point, but said he will still be friends with them also. I said I don't want you to not be. I'm not asking you to do anything like that.

It was nice to talk to someone else about this. And I did get things off my chest. I didn't tell him the full extent of what's been going on, but I told him enough so he would understand were I was coming from.

 When it was time for the ceremony, we saw our other friend standing down in the crowd, but by himself. We walked across the field to say hi to him. While the ceremony was going on, if looks could kill, we would be dead, like 10 times over. They kept staring at us, glaring at us, just non stop. We couldn't do shit about it. I could feel these icy cold glares, on the back of my head. Whenever I would look around, all 3 of them would be staring at me. When the ceremony was done I was talking to our friend that was standing by his self. One of them came up to us! Actually came up to us, and put her arms around me and him and said "group hug" Really!? Are you fucking! kidding me! I told my friend, what in the fuck was that! He said its just par for the course. I was livid, but I had to keep my composure for the rest of this bullshit.

We had to take more pictures, so that took some time. When we were finally done with all that, it was time to get something to drink. It was like 90 degrees that day! I was walking towards the hut or whatever you would call it, and the same bitch for the group hug, reached out and squeezed my arm as I passed. Are you that worried I'm going to do something that you have to check on me or something! At this point, I could give a shit less about this fucking wedding, and this fucking bullshit of a reception. I am ready to leave, and never look the fuck back! I am so thankful that Melissa, and J, was there or I would have lost my shit. Melissa, J, and I, walked away from the group to take some pictures of the sunset. He took some pictures of us, and I took some pictures of the sunset. This seemed like the closure of the day and weeks leading up this that I needed. I am done, and I have no obligations to these people anymore. I will NEVER be in another wedding, for as long as I live.

The end of this madness could not have come any sooner, I am moving on. I am moving forward. I am doing for me, for us. You won't hold me back from what my life needs to be. You took to much away from me, and I will never forgive, I will never forget. You ruined to many things for me, and now YOU can't bother me anymore.
 
So foul and fair a day I have not seen.  
William Shakespeare 

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
Ralph Waldo Emerson 

9-11-11

9-11-11, will go down in history for me. It was an honor, and privilege for me to go to this ceremony for 9/11. There was a piece of the World Trade Center there. Ever since I saw what happened on that day, I have felt like I needed to pay my respects. I got to do that on the 9/11 anniversary, and I feel like I had some closure. I wasn't in New York, when this tragedy happened, but I watched the whole thing unfold in front of my eyes, and I will never forget the loss I felt that day. My heart broke for New York, and for the United States. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it must have been like for those people, that were close to the towers when this happened. All I did know was, that my heart went out to everyone. I will never forget that day, and I will never forget the feelings I had.

Below are pictures from the ceremony. I hope they convey to you, what an honor, and privilege it was to see this. I will never forget.

Eight years of history.

Damn, it has been eight years at my job. Damn, I never thought I would see the day. This place has changed, I have changed. Looking back when I first started, I remember how scared I was being in an elevator, it would freak me out so bad. Today, I take multiple elevators at any given time ha ha. I didn't even know how to work a Nextel cellphone, I had to be taught over the radio, how to use it, then I forgot to let go of the PTT  button ha ha. Good times, good memories. I have sat in this same spot, for eight years. I have seen history unfold in front of my eyes. We have had presidents, around the area. Protestors, and everything. I am very thankful for my job, and what it has done for me, and us. I don't know where my life would be right now without this job. People have given me shit because of being here, at my job for so long. Why? This pays my bills, and provides security for Melissa, and I. My job does get stressful, and sometimes I do wish I could be doing something else. Then I think about it, and I have a routine, I have stability, and I have normalcy to look forward to.

All, and all, I am thankful, and appreciative for what I have, and for what I have done with my life. No one can ever take that away from me, and I know the people that do matter, are in fact proud of what I have accomplished. I finally made something of my life, and I am proud to say that. I just wish it wouldn't have taken eight years to realize that fact. One day maybe I can try something different, but until then I will try my hardest, to realize and appreciate what I have right now.

Do for you, not for them.

Friday 9-9-11

So basically at this point, I am so tired, and worn out, I could give a shit less about this ceremony. I just don't care anymore. Sunday will be an emotional day as it is, so I say fuck Saturday. I have had so much adversity in my life, that this piddly ass ceremony, and whoever shows up, I can deal with. I'm not going to ruin our friends ceremony, or their day period. So I am taking one step at a time, and going with the flow. If someone offer's me a drink, I would probably take it. So much of my time has been wasted on thinking about this, it's over, it's done, I'm done with this. So bring on tomorrow, and fuck it. Whatever happens, happens. Everything happens for a reason, so now I'm thinking I am supposed to deal with all this, to concrete what I already know, and what to figure out, to be stronger later. It has to be that. What else would this be for? What else would this trial of my patients be about?

Oh well whatever moving on.

Thursday 9-8-11

So it's Thursday, I have tomorrow to figure out if anything what to do. I felt better about it today then I did yesterday, so that's good. I am hoping Friday will feel better than today. It's not like I haven't been to a ceremony and felt like I shouldn't be there. Like in my post: Love Blossom's one of "them" was there and I had to deal with her and act like nothing mattered. So I'm thinking I can try and do that again. Well I guess I have to. After this ceremony who knows maybe I will never see "them" again? Or if I do, I will have the strength to stand my ground if they start something?  I hate not knowing, if somehow I knew that this, this, and this was going to happen I could plan around it. I guess that's why they call it life, it's full of uncertainty. I hate the sayings like: "Life doesn't put hings in front of you that you can't handle" Really!? So will I have a partner that I can tag in during these times? Obviously not, so it's going to be me dealing with it. I can't learn from my past, if I've never done, or gone through something like this before. This is seriously beating me up inside. I haven't felt this much stress in awhile.I just want this to be done and over, then I could not have this pushing down on me.

I wonder sometimes, if "they" ever think about all this stuff? Do they sit there and stress out because they have to see me? Deep down, I actually kinda wish, just for a little bit they could be in my shoes, and see how it feels to be me. I wonder if they would have a panic attack, or a migraine, because of stress? Well probably not, they are narcissistic, self centered, assholes that couldn't give a shit about anyone but themselves! I feel that if I keep writing about them it gives them strength, and that's the furthest thing I would want to happen. So I am going to try my damn hardest to not think, or write about them. I know it's going to be hard, because this is just a shitty time in my life, and I tend to dwell and not let shit go. I do know that it is kinda getting easier, not very fast, but slowly, for me to push past the thoughts, and dwelling on them.

One hour, one day, one week, one month at a time.

The countdown begins.

So now it's time for the obligatory countdown. You say, "Ben, what are we counting down to?" I say, "We are counting down to the faux wedding of the century!" Ta da. Well century is actually a compliment so I will just say year. I am feeling so much stress, and discontent about this ceremony. I feel that this will be a make it, or break it for the friendship we have with these people, having this ceremony. They say or have said that if it came down to it, that they would ultimately pick us over them. Well actions speak louder than words, and as of right now their actions are yelling at me. It's like the girl who's in the ceremony picked Melissa up and took her to go and get her wedding dress. They were talking, and having a decent day from what I gathered. If this would have been me, I would have been a little confused about my feelings. So it's OK to hang out like this, and everything's fine, but we still have the stress of knowing we are going to run into these people at this ceremony. How is that fair? I am just so confused, and stressed out by all of this. I really, truly, want to be friends with these people. We do have fun, and enjoy the company. They live a different lifestyle then we do, but we get along. I don't know if they would be life long friends per se, but for right now it's OK, and fun to hang out with them. I guess I'm taking a lot of this out on them, when I shouldn't be. I guess it's easier for me to attack them, then it is to confront the people I want to. I still believe this is a mockery of a wedding, but what can I do about it? Nothing, so I am moving on I could give a shit less about this mockery. It won't effect me either way. I just feel that marriage, ceremony's, and rings, are a greater commitment, and bond then what is being shown by them. The day I got married, was the best day of my life. What that means to me, is a very strong, and powerful bond, my wife, and I have together.

OK cool, now that I got that part of the equation sorted, let me start dissecting the other part's of this. So when I start thinking of what else is stressing me, it comes down to "them". So what am I supposed to do about it? That I still have not figured out. I have two days, to work on figuring it out. The third day, is the actual day. It sounds like we will be there way before "they" show up. I don't know if that's good thing or not? We have to help set up and get ready. So to me that means that when "they" do show up, I'm going to be tired from waking up so damn early, and setting up. It seems to me like when "they" first get there, they won't do anything. But later when it comes down to walking the aisle, that's when I think they might try something. Like whispering something rude to me, or Melissa. Because at that point when we have to focus all of our attention on what we are doing, we wouldn't have the chance to say something back to them. What if we are standing up there, and they start glaring? It's just gonna suck to have to put on this fake smile, and pretend nothing is bothering me. This pretending bullshit, is stupid.

I don't what I am actually trying to accomplish from this writing, but at least someone out there will know what I'm feeling. Well whatever, time to look forward to tomorrow.

Me against the stress.

Why does it always feel like I take 1 step forward, but really I take 2 steps back? I have been trying really, really hard to move on. To move forward. This is so much more difficult then I thought it would be. I swore to myself I wouldn't write about these "friends" because they aren't even worth the effort of lifting my finger to type. I actually need to start saying ex friends. Goddammit, I hate these people so much! I wish I could erase the part of my brain where all those memories are. I have our friends commitment ceremony coming up soon and guess what? They're gonna be there! Yeah! I'm so excited I can't even contain the joy, and happiness that is exuding from my whole entire body! If you couldn't tell that whole entire sentence was extremely sarcastic. I wish we would have said no to be in the faux wedding. We would have saved money, time, energy, and stress. I don't think people really understand what it takes to be in a wedding. It is nice to be asked, don't get me wrong, but damn, this is a lot of work. We have to show up early to help set up, then stay late to be apart of the wedding party festivities. This will be the last time I will ever! ever! be in a wedding, or ceremony.

We spent close to 300 bucks which we really didn't have, just to be a part of this mockery of a wedding. I would call these people right now, and say fuck you I'm out. But I was never ever raised that way, and I would never do that to someone. Karma is a bitch, and she will get you. So now all we can do is just suck it up, and deal with it. That last statement is the story of my life. I suck it up, and deal with it. You know how many times I have bitten my tongue so I wouldn't hurt someones feelings? When will it be MY time to not catch hurt feelings? I am to the point that if at this ceremony, they start shit with me, I am not going to hold back, I am going to flip my fucking lid and let loose. I am just so disappointed, and hurt that these people actually invited these people to this! If you don't like someone, and never talk to them, why in hell would you invite them to this? Really!? You want attention this bad? And I know that the ex friends made it a point to RSVP so it would get to us. I know they did, because the guy called himself and RSVP'd. This fuck never does something like this. He knows we are in the wedding party. So what are we supposed to do if they glare, or yell something at us? I just don't know.

How much can one person take? It's coming to the point that I don't even wanna be friends with the people who's having this faux wedding. Obviously, my wife, and I's feelings don't matter to them, so why should we care for theirs? Why keep people in your life that would do this to you? We will have no body there to talk to. We will be by ourselves most of the time, because everyone we do know will be busy doing other things. I hate the feeling of uncertainty, and the stressing about what might happen. I wish I had a surrogate like in the movie "The Surrogates" then I could just go and it wouldn't matter.

I just don't know what the hell to do!

More from the skatepark.

I had a great time at the skatepark with my nephew. so I wanted to share some more pictures with you.