Weekend Review for 9/26 - 27/20. Whatcom Falls Park/ Southwest County Park.

  Friday night I met Sarah and we went to froyo. There’s a little spot called Flirt in Lake Stevens. I got the cake batter cause hell yeah. It was a fun little dessert date. After that I headed home and passed out. 

 Saturday I woke up and headed out to Bellingham to Whatcom Falls Park. I read on AllTrails that the perimeter was 4.5 miles. Cool. And a waterfall, yes please. I got there and it was raining which I expected and I tried to find the trail. Well after some trail and error. See what I did there? Haha. I found the trail and was off. The rain made the little pond look cool. There was some old train track bridge there and the old wood with it being water logged was very cool. Throughout the trail, I did get off course a couple times, but that’s part of the fun too. 

 I got to the waterfalls from the other side of the trail. You don’t even have to walk the trail to get to them. You can walk down the parking lot and they’re right there. But I wanted to walk the trail as well. So I took a lot of pictures and enjoyed the sound of the falls in the rain. I continued the trail and came to the last part and it was some steep stairs. I was like nope, not happening. So I turned around and started walking back. 

 On the way to the stairs, I had seen a sign for a lower water trail. So I decided to take that. I’m so glad I did. It did take you to the waters edge. After tons more pictures I continued on. Making my way back to the main waterfall it was time to call it done. I found Roger and tried to get dry as much as I could. I typed in the new bbq spot I found in Bellingham and I was on my way. 

 It turned out to be a sports bar, but eh. I wanted bbq. I got inside and I ordered bbq pulled pork, mac and cheese, it came with cornbread, and a side salad. Yum!! I poured my Mac and cheese on top of the pork and then drenched it all with the bbq sauce. So good! Now I do have a personal affection to Hops and Drops Big Tony’s BBQ Mac so I compare all others to Tony’s. But again it was very good and I would have it again. 

 Watching the football game and Army was kicking some ass with their plays. I was damn impressed for that being a college team. Not being able to finish my whole plate, I called it good and I took off. I wanted to hit the Burlington outlet mall to try and find the Nike training face mask. I got there, no masks, but they had the Kobe edition Jordan’s. I passed them up, but super cool. 

 Making my way down the freeway, I stopped at the Quilceda Outlets. The line for Nike was to the parking lot. I decided to go to Under Armour first to see if they had the training masks. First display was the masks. Sweet. Grabbed one of those and stood in line at Nike. There’s a girl trying to act like she was with me in line. She was denied by the doorman, but it was funny. Grabbed my shoes I was looking for and started standing in line. 

 Next was North Face to find a waterproof jacket. I finally got in the store and found a sweet black jacket. I should have looked for some waterproof pants, but oh well. Standing in lone to pay then I was on my way. I got home and got out of all my wet clothes and I started working on some homework and uploading my pictures from the adventure. Impatiently waiting for 8 to arrive I was trying to stay busy. 

 8 came and it was time to leave. I went to a friends house and had some amazing Philly cheesesteak sliders. I had seconds of those. Mmmm, so good. He made me a bbq pulled rib street taco. Holy shit! So good. They started playing some 90’s Snoop Dogg and we played some games. It was time to head home. 

 I woke up at 9 am and was trying to figure out what I was going to do in the afternoon. I decided on going to the Southwest County Park in Edmonds. The outer loop is 0.8 miles so I walked it 4 times. Nice 3.2 miles for the morning. I headed to the store and grabbed some lunch and went home. I ate my lunch and started doing some chores. 

Trouble had texted me saying she had received the paper sunflower I mailed to her. So cool! 6:00 showed up and it was time for me to get ready. I had made dinner reservations for Sarah and I. We met up and we were off to the restaurant. Having such an amazing time and great food to boot! I didn’t want the night to end, but I had work in the morning. I had boughten Trouble some orange steak and jasmine rice. I dropped that off at her place and I took off. I got home and passed out. It was an amazing weekend and I can’t wait for the next one. Till next time. 

Weekend Review for 9/18-/19-/20/20 A little bit of everything ...

 Friday I took a couple hours of pto and met my friend Kasey to go to the Ice Caves. She had never seen them before and I wanted to walk all the way in them and take pictures. Well we got going and by the time we got there it was pouring down rain. We needed the rain because of the smoke and fires, but we didn’t need the rain for the hike. We hung out at the still closed bridge and then we headed back home. Me and Kasey parted ways and I was off to go get changed.

 I made dinner plans with Sarah. We met up at Hops and Drops in Snohomish. I grabbed a table and awaited her arrival. Sarah showed up and the amazing night began! We closed the place down. We were laughing and talking and just enjoying everything. We saw the staff start to leave and we were like, oh we probably should leave too! We left the restaurant and we talked for another hour in the parking lot. Damn what a great night. I headed home and she did too. 

 Saturday I went to the Edmonds waterfront. The rain had helped with the smoke and creating a very gray ambience. Pictures were awesome. I walked the boardwalk and just enjoyed the scenery. Throughout my morning, my mind would flash with last night. I would start laughing as I was walking because I had remembered something funny. It was great. After my walk I decided to check out downtown Edmonds. I had found a cool bookstore there awhile ago and I bought a set of the Hogwarts Library collection. It had Fantastic Beast and Where To Find Them. And two other books. 

 I went to the section where I had grabbed the collection from and I found the Cursed Child. I opened it to check it out and it was written as a script. Very weird, but now that I think of it I should have bought it. I could have learned how to set up a scene for a short story or something. Well I will just go back another time. After that I walked further into downtown then I had before. I found some little shops and perused them. I found a shop that had a bunch of Halloween decorations and cards. It was really cool. I started looking around for some sunflower things for Trouble or something for me. 

 My last case I looked at, I found what I was looking for. I found a mini card and it has intricate paper ribbons firing the shape of a sunflower. So cool. I also found a pineapple. This made me laugh out loud. Instantly bribing me back to the night before. Haha. It was great and it was a must purchase to give to Sarah the next time I saw her. I found a dark chocolate bar for Yuri. She absolutely loves dark chocolate so it was a must purchase. Telling the cashier how much I loved the cards she said the same thing. Thanking her I left the store and it was time for lunch. 

 I found a pizza place called Kabellas Pizza and Pasta. I had to check it out. They’re dine in which is a requirement for my day trips and it was pizza. Cool! I grabbed my Harry Potter book and headed inside. I ordered the meat lovers pizza, some cheese covered garlic bread, and bottle of kiwi strawberry Snapple. The bread came with an overflowing dish of marinara sauce. Man that garlic bread was so good. I normally don’t buy bread anymore, but I was like, eh, oh well. I’m glad I did. 

 The pizza came and it was calling my name. I grabbed the first slice and before I could even ask, the waitress brought over the Parmesan cheese. I took a bite of the pizza without it and the pizza was delicious. Generously shaking the jar over the pizza, my mouth watered and drooled. Taking another bite with the Parmesan now on it, set the pizza off correctly. Reading and eating I was enjoying myself. I took a second and I told Sarah that I had found her something and was excited to give it to her. 

 Lunch was over and it was time to head home. I got home and continued to read and listen to some music. Sarah texted me and asked if wanted to go bowling with her. I said yes and was impatiently waiting for 6:30 to arrive. I headed out the door and made my way to the bowling alley. Sarah was already there and she saved me a spot so we could play together. 

 The teasing and fun ensued. I got a strike my first and second time up. Laughing I’m telling Sarah, it’s beginners luck. Not impressed but with a grin, Sarah bowled next. Giving each other a hard time but playing all night, it was great night. The end of our bowling neared and it was time for me to give Sarah the pineapple card. Running to my car and went back and I held out my hand and Sarah looked into it with a surprise, she smiled brightly and me starting to laugh, I told her that it made me laugh in the store and it made me think of the night before. She thanked me and we parted ways. 

 I made it it home elated with the night I relaxed for awhile and heard my phone dinging telling me there was a text. Sarah invited me to go with her to Deception Pass Park the next morning. I said absolutely I would go. Heading to bed my mind wondering and racing replaying the night I fell asleep. 

 Sunday, I woke up at 4:30 in the morning and started to get ready. I headed to Don’s Restaurant to have breakfast. Having the usual ham and cheese omelette with hash browns, and white toast with grape jelly. It was so good. I sat, ate, and read my book. After breakfast, I decided to go to Dutch Bros and get their famous white chocolate mocha. Yum. I got back on the freeway and headed towards Deception Pass Bridge. I got there at 7:45 in the morning. No one else was walking the bridge. I took some awesome pictures and the headed to the park to wait for Sarah. 

 Sarah showed up and it was time for the hike. It was a really good hike. We did 5 miles all together and we basically saw the whole area around the bridge. It was very cool, the smoke was gone, and it was a bright sunny day. After the hike we parted ways and I drove to Anacortes. I stopped by the bbq spot I found before called Dads Diner A Go-Go. I got the bbq burger with bbq brisket with cheese and coleslaw on top. So damn good! After lunch I drove to the smoke shop to pick up my wood tipped congratulatory Black & Mild cigar. I hit I5 and lit up my cigar and drove home. 

 What an amazing weekend. I’ll never forget it. Till next time. 

A little something for myself.

 After my Ocean Shores/Oregon weekend, I really wanted another tattoo. I was like fuck it, I messaged a shop and asked if they had any openings. I didn’t hear back from them all day. I was like okay it’s a 50/50 shot. I decided to go abreast and call the shop. No openings. Eh, okay. Wasn’t meant to be. An hour later I got a message back from them saying they had an opening then next night at 6. Cool! Sign me up. 

 I got to work and put in my pto for the last couple hours of the day. I got home I changed and I headed out to the shop. Of course I got there early, but that’s okay. I ran across the street to Walgreens and grabbed a Gatorade. Went to the shop and I told them I was there but really early. They’re like okay cool. 

 Went to Roger and started reading my book and smoking. It got closer to the time of the appointment so I went back to the front door. I was let in and the new safety precautions were apparent and abundant. I had to was my hands before touching or signing anything. I filled out my paperwork and the artist showed me hear rendering. Holy shit!! She got the font spot on. The font is from the 90’s Batman show, Batman The Animated Series. 

 She printed it off and we got the measurements all set. We were lined up (pun intended) and ready to go. I sat down and she got to work. Just having my right arm done I knew what to expect. She was a little heavy handed, but I am used to that as well. She got it done pretty quickly. Since I no longer have anyone going with me, I can’t take progress shots of the tattoo. It’s kind of a bummer. But she said she would take a picture for me of the tattoo. 

 It turned out amazing and I can’t wait to book another tattoo with her. Her name is Kim and she works at Old Glory Tattoo in Marysville right on State Street. 

 All it takes is one bad day to bring the sanest man alive to lunacy. That’s how far the world is from where I am. One bad day. 

 Yup it’s for me and it says what I’m feeling. People say you shouldn’t wear your emotions on your sleeve. Eh. Whatever. Do it for you! Do it for whatever you want it to be. It’s for you and no one else. Till next time. 

Weekend Review for 9/12-/13/20 Ice Caves and Kayak Point.

Saturday I met up with my friend Sara. We had been planning this day trip for almost a month. Just waiting for schedules to work out and all that. So we met at Don’s Restaurant in Marysville. She grabbed us a table and waited for me to show up. I got there and walked in and found her right away. We started bullshitting with each other. Breakfast was awesome like normal. We both finished up and it was time to head out for the ice caves. 

 It seemed like it took no time at all to get there. It’s weird to have someone travel with me now so talking and stuff was making time fly by. We got to the trail head and we got going. Stopping along the way to take pictures and still taking. I probably blabbed her ear off with all my stuff. Haha. I will see if she ever comes again. Haha. Anyways, we got to the bridge and it was indeed out so we took some pictures from it. It was still really smokey from all the wild fires. 

 We walked to the beginning of the bridge and found the trail to the waters edge. We found a place to change shoes cause we would soon be wading through the river to get to the other side. Almost faking numerous times, I made it, but I went back and helped Sara. I kept forgetting that I was with someone. I helped her across and we started changing shoes. Now what I didn’t know is we would have to walk across the little waterfall too! 

 Changing back into my now wet shoes and socks, we crossed the waterfall and shimmied up the broken bridge expansions. We found a bench and changed shoes again. Since the last time I was there, tons of trees had fallen on the trail and next to it. But the smoke made the scenery really cool to look at. We made it the opening of the trail before the caves themselves. Man! The cave looked amazing. 

We down to the opening and I began snapping pictures. I can’t express how cool it was. I was going to go in, but there was a couple people there and I didn’t want to catch shit from them for going in. I should have. Oh well. We looked around and saw some people up on this little ridge and we were like how did they get there? So we said well let’s find out. 

 I found a worn path and started climbing it. The people passed us and said you know you took the hard way right? We bother laughed and said yeah probably. And we kept going. On the other side of this ridge was another ice cave! It had collapsed, but it was awesome. I had no clue it was there. Taking more pictures and just enjoying the view, we decided it was time to get going. 

 We got back to the trail and made our way to the bench to change our shoes for the river. We made our way back to the car and it was time to head to Boulder Creek trail. We decided to drive the Mountain Loop Highway. I did not know it was mostly gravel! Making our way downtown... Haha. It was slow going and I think Roger got a couple bumps on him. 

 Finally making it to the trail head, again it was a gravel road with big potholes. Roger was not having fun. We got to the parking lot and it was time to get going. Since I had been there before, it was cool to see Sara’s reaction to the scenery. Then when we got to the waterfall, the hike was definitely worth it. 

 It was time to leave and we got back on the main road. We drove to a pizza place called Bite Of New York. It’s supposed to be New York styles pizza. It was pretty good. I drove Sara back to her vehicle and I was headed home. Sore and remembering the day, it really was a good day. 

 Sunday, I got up and started making my coffee. I got all ready to go and headed out to pick up my friend Nathan. We hit Don’s first for breakfast. We were bullshitting and eating. We got some coffee from a stand and headed towards Kayak Point. 

 It was basically empty because of the smoke so we only saw about like four people. We hit the beach and started walking. Stopping to take pictures and enjoying the scenery. We walked the whole length of it and stopped on the pier. Couldn’t see past the pier but it was still a lot of fun. 

 Leaving Kayak Point, we drove to Camano Island Park. We parked and it was time to hit a trail for a hike. We found a shorter one that was 1.6 miles. Stopping and taking more pictures it was so quiet and calm. Finishing the hike, we left and headed to Stanwood for Mammoth Burgers. 1/3 pound awesome cheeseburgers topped with aged white cheddar cheese. 

 After lunch it was time to head on home. It was time to do some adulting and do laundry and stuff. It was a really good weekend. I’m trying to get better at enjoying the moments. But it’s still hard. Sometimes I wonder why I’m doing this and why I am taking all these trips. I think I’ll figure it out sometime. Till next time. 

Weekend Review for 9/5-/6-/7/20 Ocean Shores, Oregon, and Tattoos oh my!

 Saturday morning I woke up and I was off to Ocean Shores. I got to Aberdeen and I wanted to stop by Walmart to buy some more Dickie shorts. They didn’t have any, but they had a McDonalds inside so I decided to get lunch. I ate in the car and I was ready to check into the Hotel. My whole Sunday plan was contingent on if I could book another night (thinking about it now, I could have just found a different hotel and just called it good. Hindsight is 20/20). They didn’t book my room out and I took it as a sign that I was meant to be on my trip. 

 My tattoo appointment was set for 5 pm in Ocean Shores so I decided I would sit on the beach for a bit and take some pictures and read my book. The waves in my ears, the wind on my face, and the sun on my skin felt amazing. I got to watch some kites being flown around and people having some fun. Just what I needed. Anxiously checking the clock, it was time to head to the tattoo parlor. I parked and I walked to the bank to hit the atm for some cash. Well I didn’t know it was drive through only, so I walked back to my car and drove to it again. Cash in hand it was time for some pain therapy. 

 I got out of my car and was greeted by my artist. I wanted the Nirvana font, but it was not showing up for some reason. He started the showing me some other font styles. I found one that just jumped off the page and said pick me!! So I did. We went inside and got to work. He banged it out in like 25 minutes. It turned out awesome and he was able to keep my Cheshire Cat vibe I had been dreaming about. 

As he was tattooing me, I asked him about getting a second one done if he had time. He said yeah I do. So I Airdropped him the picture and he started correcting the lines. He got the stencil done and it was time to start. A couple minutes later he was done. 

 They both turned out great and now it was time for some new jewelry. I used to have hoops a long time ago and I wanted to get them again. New me meeting old me. So I went outside to smoke and waited for the piercer to be done smoking. We walked inside and it was time to find some jewelry. I got four hoops and two new flat back barbells. Now it’s all matching. Paid for the jewelry and now it was time to get pizza!

 I was originally going to go to Dugans, but the line was out to the street. I found Red Genie Pizza and I was like let’s do dis! I ordered a meat lovers. Sausage, pepperoni, Canadian bacon, and salami with red sauce. Yes please! 45 minute wait so I was off to the shops. Friday my friend Trouble, has went to the sunflower garden/park thing? But she sent me a funny ass picture of her making a funny face next to a sunflower. I was dying with laughter. I set it as my ringer ID on my phone for her. Haha. But I was searching for a sunflower something for her. 

 That’s a big task in a beach town. Not finding any sunflower stuff, I found a sticker for Roger. It says Ocean Shores with the PNW arrows and forest on it. It fits all the day trips we have been taking (Roger is the name of my car). So I was excited for that and now drooling, I was off to get my pizza. After I picked it up I headed to the beach to watch the sunset and eat pizza. It was really cool. I’m still getting used to being by myself now, but I did have fun. After the sunset I drove back to the hotel. 

 Sunday morning I woke up early and got ready for Oregon. I did a quick Google search to find coffee. I found a stand close to the hotel and was good to go. I remembered that Aberdeen has that McDonalds I went to for lunch. So I was like, yup, doing that! I stopped and got some breakfast. Then started on my way. The road was filled with mist and the sun trying to show through. I was taking some pictures and it was a good morning. 

 The freeway is not really fun so I was trying to listen to my podcast and get some motivation. I had been in Centralia during the 4th of July so I saw some familiar places. It was weird this time though because I was by myself. I wasn’t with my ex girl. That was some interesting memories that came flooding back. Trying to push past that I started seeing the exit signs getting smaller and smaller meaning I was getting close to Oregon. 

  I found the exit for Multnomah Falls and started driving towards it. I found the parking for it and I got out and stretched my legs. The parking lot was full to the brim. I grabbed my backpack and my mask and started following the throngs of people. I got to the second parking lot and the guy behind the booth was like do you have a ticket? I’m like what ticket? He’s like oh they want you to buy a ticket before you come. I’m like I didn’t know that. He’s like it’s okay we’re not at capacity so over there is the bathroom and over here is the falls. I’m like well than you. 

 I got in line and started waiting for my turn to take pictures of the fall. The hiking trails were closed dude to Covid. So that was disappointing. I wanted to hike both trails. Oh well there’s always next time. It was my turn for the picture taking. Of course I had to take a selfie in front of the falls. After I got in line for the gift shops. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for, but I found a Van Gogh the screaming man painting inspired post card of the falls. That was cool. I was on the hunt for a sunflower still for Trouble. I found the closest thing to a sunflower and I was good to go. 

 Now time for the 3 hour drive back to Aberdeen. I passed by Centralia again and I saw the pizza shop we got pizza from. It such good pizza. I should have stopped and got one. Haha. But I drove on past. Finally reaching Aberdeen, now I had to find something to do. I messaged the tattoo shop to see if they had any openings. I didn’t get a response. So I decided to go walked around Hoquiam. I always drive over these bridges, but I have never walked over them. That was pretty cool. 

 I grabbed my leftover pizza from the night before and I drove to Ocean Shores. I was feeling adventurous so I decided to stop by the Ocean Shores state park. It was so misty and overcast I could barely see the beach. I decided to leave and go to the North beach entrance and I parked on the beach. I ate my pizza and watched the sun setting through thick misty clouds. I got out and took some pictures and I decided it was time to leave. I headed back to Hoquiam. I read for a bit and pigged out on Snickers and Milkyways. 

 Monday I woke up early so I could get home at decent time to be able to finish laundry and all that. I saw a sign for Wynoochee Dam. I was like sure! So a 32 mile detour I found the dam and took some pictures. The whole time I was dam! Haha. I got the road and made it back to the main highway. I made it home and it was time to start adulting. As I was doing laundry, the tattoo shop messaged me and said that they had an opening. I told them I was home already and couldn’t make it. 

 It was a great trip and it was mind opening. I could do this by myself and I didn’t need anyone to be there. I’m still getting used to it, but slowly I am. Till next time. 

The First Day Trip I Took On My Own.

 This is a crazy story. I was desperate to get out of the apartment. It was driving me insane. Just sitting there watching movies and playing video games only goes so far. I remembered I went to Camano Park quite a few years ago and I was like I can find that no problem. How wrong I was. Haha. I grabbed some stuff and headed out the door. I had my gps. What could go wrong? Well I started driving towards this mystical place I had a small recollection about. I stopped at Chik-fil-a for a lunch to pack for the park. I got to Camano Island everything seemed to be okay. I followed the gps and it took me to a place that I had never seen before. Haha. I’m like okay maybe it was the road I passed before this one. I turned around and headed back to the other road. 

I turned and followed it to the end. Nope, this was not it either. I broke down. I literally started bawling driving away from this place. I was lost, I had no clue where I was, and the gps didn’t have enough signal. Shit. I literally yelled out for someone to give me a sign. Something, I needed something. I got a text less than a minute later and it was my girlfriend at the time, now my ex. Well I got a sign, and I found the main road and I went home. Sulked as I ate my Chik-fil-a for dinner. 

What happened? Why didn’t this work? Why me, right. So I opened Google maps and I started looking around Camano Island looking for this beach I kind of remembered. I found it!! Yes! Okay cool! So all week while I was stuck at work, I was plotting out my course, triple checking directions, and figuring out what I wanted for the picnic while I was there. I decided on getting Port of Subs since I hadn’t had it in a long time. Side note, I always plan on a budget for these day trips. So I fill up the tank with gas, but I won’t use a full tank. So technically that’s half price. So I try to stay around $50 or $60 bucks for the trip. That’s gas, breakfast, lunch, or dinner. 

So I make my way down the freeway and I start seeing the familiar roads I was driving the weekend before. I got to the same road as last time. So the crazy part? I just had to make a left turn to get down to the beach. I felt so dumb! Haha. Well I made it to the beach. You have to pay for parking or have a good to go pass. It just so happened that I had exact change in my wallet for the parking. I gathered up my backpack and started trekking the beach. 

Familiar things and places were filling my brain. I took tons of photos. It was a lot of fun until you look to your side and no one is there with you. No one is seeing what you’re seeing. You can’t share in the “how cool is that!” With anyone. Yeah it sucks as much as you think it does. I didn’t let it ruin my day though. I was figuring that it was time for lunch. I walked back to my car and grabbed out my lunch bag. The Port of Subs were calling my name. I found an empty picnic table and claimed it as mine. I felt the eyes of the people passing by as I was eating and reading my book. Man that is a feeling that takes a while to get used to. 

After lunch, I walked back to the car and put my lunch bag away. I decided to walk down the other side of the beach. I didn’t walk far, but it was still amazing. I decided to call it a trip and leave. As I was driving out, I saw this lone bench on the side of the road and I decided to stop and check it out. I took my book and I read a bit. Overlooking the beach with the sounds of the crashing waves was incredible. I’m glad I stopped and enjoyed it a little longer. 

It was time to head home. I accomplished a goal I set for myself. I did it by myself. No one helped me. It was all me. This journey jumpstarted my outings and I haven’t looked ask since. Every trip gets better and I am more prepared. I know what to bring with me now. I’m not going to lie and say this is the best thing ever. For me, it’s really cool, but I still want someone there with me. Till next time. 

Life and How It Always Changes.

 I have been on a journey of self discovery for the quite a few months now. Partially by choice, but mostly forced. I wanted to change my life and I wanted to be done with the old me and my old ways. So I talked to my now ex wife and I told her I how I felt. She told me how I felt. Obviously she was caught off guard and it’s understandable. So we decided to part ways. 

Now the picture I had in my head of this situation was vastly different than what was actually going to happen. I didn’t know the first thing on how to be on my own. I had roommates and before that I had my mom. I had a job and I paid bills, but I didn’t really know how to live on my own. I would always tell the single people who lived on their own how lucky they were. They could do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted. No one could tell them no. Well that is partially right. 

I met this girl and we started dating. Wow, holy shit, how cool! We were out doing things, going on adventures, and day trips. We would stay overnight and not worry about anything. Well what started happening is that would only happen on the weekends obviously, but during the week I would be by myself. She wouldn’t be able to come over and hang out or vice versa. We would talk on the phone, but it’s not the same. Then some weekends we didn’t even hang out at all. So I was literally stuck and couldn’t do anything. That was my thought anyways. I thought you had to be with someone to go out and do things. 

So of course since I wanted to hang out and spend time with her and sometimes she didn’t want to, it caused some ripples. I was mad because I didn’t understand why she didn’t want to hang out with me. To be honest it felt like rejection. I found an apartment and I moved in. Holy shit, what am I supposed to do now? I had no clue at all and I still don’t. The rift between us was becoming more apparent and we separated. We were still friends and the thought was to still hang out and do stuff together. Well, I took it as the complete end. No more future, no more anything. 

She had some stuff at my apartment and I packed it up and told her to come get it. Also during this time I had started taking a new medication and I was having really bad insomnia. I was not myself and I was struggling to just be. I was getting an hour max of sleep a night. The rest of the night would be me being awake and overthinking every single detail. It was miserable and unbearable. Then I have this woman breaking up with me too? Damn. I call that week my hell week. 

I don’t know how long it’s been since we broke up. I try not to count days and all that, because I feel like it makes it worse   So now looking back, I see a bunch of red flags in that relationship. Adding more depth to this, when you are with someone for a long time (referencing my ex wife) you become accustom to how they talk to you, how they act with you, and how you just deal with it. So when some of the same things we’re happening to this new relationship, I just thought it was how things were and that’s it. 

Kind of bouncing around a little bit. There was a Sunday and my ex girlfriend had called me and she sounded different. She had been drinking and was upset. I convinced her (you should never have to convince someone to see you by the way) to let me come see her so she wasn’t alone. I got there and I had never ever seen this side of her before. The familiar person I knew was not there. This was someone different. She even had said something to the affect that I pushed you away, but you’re still here, why? I didn’t have an answer. Truthfully I was hoping we would get back together. But I sat and listened and let her vent. After the conversation, I broke down too. I was going through some shit like she was. I lost it. 

That was the last day that we had hung out in person. She even had said that I am a difficult person to have a relationship with. I told her the same thing cause it was true. A little bit after that, it was officially over. No chance of getting it back or whatever. It was just done. So what now? I still don’t know. We were still friends on Facebook because I was not ready to delete her yet. But I started going on my day trips and hiking and walking. Exploring new places on my own. It was interesting to me because before it was over, over, she would like my stuff on Facebook. After she just stopped all together. Okay, I didn’t understand, but okay. So I had went to a place that me and her had went and I wanted to conquer it. I didn’t need her taking me there or holding my hand when I had anxiety. I didn’t need anyone except myself. 

Well when I got home, I had posted my pictures from the day and low and behold she liked those posts. Nothing else before or after, just those two posts. To me that was hella weird and confusing. Well eventually I made up my mind to delete her off of Facebook. I didn’t want to see her, her posts, or whatever else she was doing. Why would I want to keep torturing myself like that? I haven’t looked back since. Pun intended. 

I’m not saying it wasn’t hard as hell to do, but I had to do it. I already have all these memories floating around in my head constantly. But why add more by seeing her on Facebook too? I’m still going on my adventures by myself. I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do in life. I’m trying to make everything work. I don’t know if what I’m doing is right. To myself, I think it’s okay so I’m going with it. 

It is very interesting to me the little weird things that happen throughout the day that remind you of places, situations, or memories you have of people. It could be a song, a time of day, or whatever. I want to know why your mind does this to you? Does it think it helps? I have read that you’re supposed to relive memories and then you’re not supposed to. Having a good time with someone and then thinking about it to me is okay. When should you stop thinking about it? I don’t know?  This journey of self discovery is not over, it’s just begun. Sometimes I feel like giving up and just throwing in the towel and be like I’m out. Who knows what will happen next. What I do know is, I’m making my own life, for better or worse. It’s just me, so it’s up to me to do it. I try to tell myself that you only have one life so live it to the fullest. That’s all good and great, but what do you do in the meantime when you’re not living your life to fullest? 

Also I’m throwing this out there. I learned this from a cool ass person. No one gives a shit. No one cares what you do. No one cares where you go. No one cares if you’re okay or not. So fuck it. Now I’m not saying someone out there doesn’t, but you know as well as I do most people don’t. You start to come to realize this as your journey of self begins. You can talk to your friends about everything constantly. Then there’s a point when you start seeing they just don’t want to hear about it anymore. Put yourself in their shoes for a minute. You have this cool ass friend, now they’re constantly depressed and talking about their life and their ex. You probably would reach a point that maybe you can’t mentally take it anymore. We all have limits to how much of another persons life you are able to take. You have your own shit to deal with too. You know like you ask a coworker how they’re doing and you expect them to say fine or okay. You’re not necessarily wanting a full rundown and what’s going on. I think everyone feels that way. Most people just say fine or good and the other person says fine or good then you’re both in your way. Haha. It’s true though, it really is. 

I do realize this one was a lot different than my others and I get it. I have real shit going on. I’m getting it all out. I still have a lot of figuring out to do and I’m working on how exactly to do it. I’m not glamorizing divorce or breakup or living alone. I’m doing this to keep myself living and busy so life isn’t so overwhelming to me. There’s probably going to be more like this. Again I can’t and won’t make excuses. This is me at this moment and time. Those old posts were from a completely different person.  Till next time.