I have been on a journey of self discovery for the quite a few months now. Partially by choice, but mostly forced. I wanted to change my life and I wanted to be done with the old me and my old ways. So I talked to my now ex wife and I told her I how I felt. She told me how I felt. Obviously she was caught off guard and it’s understandable. So we decided to part ways.
Now the picture I had in my head of this situation was vastly different than what was actually going to happen. I didn’t know the first thing on how to be on my own. I had roommates and before that I had my mom. I had a job and I paid bills, but I didn’t really know how to live on my own. I would always tell the single people who lived on their own how lucky they were. They could do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted. No one could tell them no. Well that is partially right.
I met this girl and we started dating. Wow, holy shit, how cool! We were out doing things, going on adventures, and day trips. We would stay overnight and not worry about anything. Well what started happening is that would only happen on the weekends obviously, but during the week I would be by myself. She wouldn’t be able to come over and hang out or vice versa. We would talk on the phone, but it’s not the same. Then some weekends we didn’t even hang out at all. So I was literally stuck and couldn’t do anything. That was my thought anyways. I thought you had to be with someone to go out and do things.
So of course since I wanted to hang out and spend time with her and sometimes she didn’t want to, it caused some ripples. I was mad because I didn’t understand why she didn’t want to hang out with me. To be honest it felt like rejection. I found an apartment and I moved in. Holy shit, what am I supposed to do now? I had no clue at all and I still don’t. The rift between us was becoming more apparent and we separated. We were still friends and the thought was to still hang out and do stuff together. Well, I took it as the complete end. No more future, no more anything.
She had some stuff at my apartment and I packed it up and told her to come get it. Also during this time I had started taking a new medication and I was having really bad insomnia. I was not myself and I was struggling to just be. I was getting an hour max of sleep a night. The rest of the night would be me being awake and overthinking every single detail. It was miserable and unbearable. Then I have this woman breaking up with me too? Damn. I call that week my hell week.
I don’t know how long it’s been since we broke up. I try not to count days and all that, because I feel like it makes it worse So now looking back, I see a bunch of red flags in that relationship. Adding more depth to this, when you are with someone for a long time (referencing my ex wife) you become accustom to how they talk to you, how they act with you, and how you just deal with it. So when some of the same things we’re happening to this new relationship, I just thought it was how things were and that’s it.
Kind of bouncing around a little bit. There was a Sunday and my ex girlfriend had called me and she sounded different. She had been drinking and was upset. I convinced her (you should never have to convince someone to see you by the way) to let me come see her so she wasn’t alone. I got there and I had never ever seen this side of her before. The familiar person I knew was not there. This was someone different. She even had said something to the affect that I pushed you away, but you’re still here, why? I didn’t have an answer. Truthfully I was hoping we would get back together. But I sat and listened and let her vent. After the conversation, I broke down too. I was going through some shit like she was. I lost it.
That was the last day that we had hung out in person. She even had said that I am a difficult person to have a relationship with. I told her the same thing cause it was true. A little bit after that, it was officially over. No chance of getting it back or whatever. It was just done. So what now? I still don’t know. We were still friends on Facebook because I was not ready to delete her yet. But I started going on my day trips and hiking and walking. Exploring new places on my own. It was interesting to me because before it was over, over, she would like my stuff on Facebook. After she just stopped all together. Okay, I didn’t understand, but okay. So I had went to a place that me and her had went and I wanted to conquer it. I didn’t need her taking me there or holding my hand when I had anxiety. I didn’t need anyone except myself.
Well when I got home, I had posted my pictures from the day and low and behold she liked those posts. Nothing else before or after, just those two posts. To me that was hella weird and confusing. Well eventually I made up my mind to delete her off of Facebook. I didn’t want to see her, her posts, or whatever else she was doing. Why would I want to keep torturing myself like that? I haven’t looked back since. Pun intended.
I’m not saying it wasn’t hard as hell to do, but I had to do it. I already have all these memories floating around in my head constantly. But why add more by seeing her on Facebook too? I’m still going on my adventures by myself. I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do in life. I’m trying to make everything work. I don’t know if what I’m doing is right. To myself, I think it’s okay so I’m going with it.
It is very interesting to me the little weird things that happen throughout the day that remind you of places, situations, or memories you have of people. It could be a song, a time of day, or whatever. I want to know why your mind does this to you? Does it think it helps? I have read that you’re supposed to relive memories and then you’re not supposed to. Having a good time with someone and then thinking about it to me is okay. When should you stop thinking about it? I don’t know? This journey of self discovery is not over, it’s just begun. Sometimes I feel like giving up and just throwing in the towel and be like I’m out. Who knows what will happen next. What I do know is, I’m making my own life, for better or worse. It’s just me, so it’s up to me to do it. I try to tell myself that you only have one life so live it to the fullest. That’s all good and great, but what do you do in the meantime when you’re not living your life to fullest?
Also I’m throwing this out there. I learned this from a cool ass person. No one gives a shit. No one cares what you do. No one cares where you go. No one cares if you’re okay or not. So fuck it. Now I’m not saying someone out there doesn’t, but you know as well as I do most people don’t. You start to come to realize this as your journey of self begins. You can talk to your friends about everything constantly. Then there’s a point when you start seeing they just don’t want to hear about it anymore. Put yourself in their shoes for a minute. You have this cool ass friend, now they’re constantly depressed and talking about their life and their ex. You probably would reach a point that maybe you can’t mentally take it anymore. We all have limits to how much of another persons life you are able to take. You have your own shit to deal with too. You know like you ask a coworker how they’re doing and you expect them to say fine or okay. You’re not necessarily wanting a full rundown and what’s going on. I think everyone feels that way. Most people just say fine or good and the other person says fine or good then you’re both in your way. Haha. It’s true though, it really is.
I do realize this one was a lot different than my others and I get it. I have real shit going on. I’m getting it all out. I still have a lot of figuring out to do and I’m working on how exactly to do it. I’m not glamorizing divorce or breakup or living alone. I’m doing this to keep myself living and busy so life isn’t so overwhelming to me. There’s probably going to be more like this. Again I can’t and won’t make excuses. This is me at this moment and time. Those old posts were from a completely different person. Till next time.
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